Theory of Repetition
Updated: Sep 27
I keep thinking I am the pattern
instead of the person inside it
a hand learning the shape of loss
before it happens
a mouth rehearsing apology
like it is a language I was born speaking
I say I am trying to go slow
but I am trying not to disappear first
You say you need safety
before coming closer
I hear
not yet
not yet
not yet
and my body translates it into history
the way rooms used to close
without warning
the way love became something
I had to earn by being smaller
I am afraid I will ruin this
like I have ruined things by holding them too tightly
or letting them slip away before I could trust them
I am afraid my wanting
becomes weather
that drives people away
Still, I keep coming back
to the same question
if I am not chosen quickly
if I am not held in the exact language I understand
do I become someone unrecognizable again
or was I already
And somewhere beneath all of it
was a quieter truth
I kept trying not to hear
that love should not leave me
decoding silence
like a survival skill
that maybe my fear
was not the whole story
maybe some part of me
already knew
the difference between patience
and starvation
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